The Foreman Grill

For many months I have let my grilling skills languish as I cursed the inequities of apartment living. Without a balcony or yard of any sort, I was stuck eating microwave dinners. I did have a counter top grill staring me in the face, but myself being descended from a Caveman, I refused to acknowledge any non-flame options. Simply put, I assumed my Foreman Grill, despite how Lean or Mean it claimed to be, was nonetheless unable to satisfy my desire for grilled cuisine. I saved it for making toast, or perhaps crisping an entire sandwich every now and then.
However, after a recent bout with a severe case of I-Need-To-Grill-Something-itis I decided to give the Foreman a shot. I decided well beforehand that I would not pull any punches: I would treat the little guy as if it were an actual grill (except for the part where I cover the grill in flammable materials and light it on fire). The specific grill I used was the Family Size Next Grilleration and with it I set upon trying three unique recipes that I knew for a fact would be delicious -- if I had an actual grill.

Teriyaki Salmon Burgers: This recipe is simple, yet delicious. Go get yourself some Salmon burgers, marinate them for a few hours in teriyaki sauce, and toss them on the grill. Then, when they're halfway done, you throw a pineapple ring on the grill as well. Throw it all on a bun together, toss on whatever garnish you prefer, and sit down for a nice little meal.

Lemon Herb Chicken: Again, a pretty simple concept. Go get yourself a chicken breast, and marinate it in some lemon and herbs. For an even simpler route, just buy whatever marinade you please. Side dishes can be whatever you prefer, nothing else is ending up on the grill so we're going to skip ahead.

Skirt Steak: As for our beef test subject, I went with skirt steak. Again, marinate it in whatever you choose, and toss it on the grill. Feel free to throw some bell peppers or a few tomato slices along the outside of the steak, but remember your first priority is the beef so leave that in the middle.

As far as prep time goes, none of the above recipes takes longer than a few minutes, you just need to remember to throw the marinade on and put the meat in the fridge before you go to work. Stop groaning. You can pause Regis and Kelly for one second to prepare your dinner. They'll still be there when you get back.

Finally, as you may have guessed, many of the menu decisions were made because of the Foreman itself. I don't trust the little guy with a salmon filet, filet mignon, or anything that has the word filet (or any vaguely sounding french word in it) for that matter. Don't get fancy. Emeril isn't shouting "BAM!" while he throws a T-Bone on his Foreman with Family Feud blaring in the background. That's you. And despite the fact that you can't make prime rib on your little electric grill, a skirt steak is a better option than the Cheetos you were going to have for dinner.
All in all, everything turned out pretty damn good. Like any grill, you need to pay close attention to make sure you don't overcook, and the lack of a temperature control makes this even more integral to the success of your meal. The meat dishes were well done but not burnt, and even the fruits and vegetables I tried on the grill turned out juicy and delicious.

Now, Is a salmon burger or a skirt steak the best thing I've ever eaten? No. Could I have made a better piece of meat on a real grill? Probably. Is Joan Rivers a robot? No, she's legally dead but still walking, which makes her a zombie. Despite all of those undeniable facts, the Foreman Grill nonetheless did a pretty damn good job of making me three delicious, different, and all thoroughly satisfying meals. I've give big George's grill an 8 out of 10.

Granola Bars

Think back to your playing days as a 12 year old soccer phenom, and inevitably you will remember the ritualistic eating of the granola bar. It's halftime: get some orange slices, some granola, and you're ready to rock. Since that Quaker started selling his oats, we have been infatuated with the idea of the granola bar as a delicious, healthy snack. While our love for those chewy little guys grew, so too did our options, and now we are lost in a jungle of supposed healthy deliciousness without a map to lead ourselves to freedom. Well, fear not my friends, for I have decided I will evaluate every granola bar I can get my hands on and let you know, once and for all, what is the ultimate combination of both taste and nutrition.


Quaker Chewy Granola Bar, Chocolate Chip: The standard. The classic. But does it still hold up against our newer models? Like most granola bars, it is dry, but tasty. The chocolate and the granola work well together. However, it is a tiny serving that leaves you hungry for more. From a nutrition standpoint, it certainly isn't bad for you, but there isn't a whole lot there.

Kashi Go Lean Crunchy Bar, Chocolate Caramel: A new contender. Is it granola? Technically no. Is it a supposedly healthy snack option in a bar form? Yes. As for taste, it's fine, but as that general blandness that most Kashi products contain; a little like eating cardboard. The texture adds to this feeling. However, not an altogether unpleasant experience. The chocolate coating does add a bit of sweetness, and the bar isn't any dryer than the Quaker one. The texture can be blamed on the nutritional value: this little guy boasts a nice dose of both protein and fiber.

Nature Valley Chewy Trail Mix Bar, Fruit and Nut: A hybrid of sorts. This granola based bar incorporates fruit, nuts, and some sort of coating to give it a more pleasing texture. As the name indicates, it does seem to be some sort of trail mix that has been formed into a bar, grant it a trail mix that has been overrun by granola. Despite the more pleasing mouth feel, the bar itself is still lacking in flavor. The nutrition angle does not present any good reason for this, seeing as the bar is nearly as empty as our Quaker friend.

Clif Bar, Crunchy Peanut Butter: Another non granola based entry, which gives it's a different consistency than our other friends. It appears and tastes like really, really think peanut butter shaped into a bar, however it does not demand to be eaten with a beverage like real peanut butter (or our dry granola bars, for that matter). As far as taste goes, the first bite is great, but as the eating continues the peanut butter gets to be a little much. This is a larger bar, so more calories than our other contenders, but it also has the most protein by far and easily matches our Kashi bar for fiber.

Nutrigrain Cereal Bar, Strawberry: Our final entry is not really granola either, but the Nutrigrain line is popular enough to merit consideration. The fruit filling is the best tasting of all the bars, but as a snack it's pretty tiny. Like the Quaker bar, you may find yourself hungry again before you know you've even finished. Nutritionally it isn't much to speak of either: like the granola based options, not a whole lot of good or bad in the nutrition information.

So what's the verdict? If I'm eating a healthy snack I want to be at least mildly pleased with the taste, but I also want to be full. If I can have all that and get some good nutritional value, I'm sold. Go pick up a Clif Crunchy Peanut Butter Bar and thank me later.

Main on Main

It's generally accepted that if you review something you should have a broad knowledge of the genre it falls in. My qualifications as a food critic, for example, stem from the fact that I have eaten roughly three meals everyday for my entire life. Think about that. That pretty much makes me an expert on what tastes good and what doesn't. Now, while I may not have been visiting bars my whole life, I do feel like the frequency with which I have done so in the past few years qualifies me as an expert nonetheless. I visited another bar this past weekend, Main on Main, and I'm here to let you know what I thought.

Main on Main is, not surprisingly, located on Main Street in Santa Monica. The small, discreet entrance is tucked away next to O'Brien's and is usually hidden by the large crowd of smokers gathering outside that particular establishment, but if you follow the pounding dance music you should be able to find it. From what I can gather the line is never too long, but do consider that there is a cover on the weekends, $5 to $10 depending on when you get there.

The place is larger than it seems once you get inside. The act of having to wade through the dance floor right away to get to the bar or a table makes you feel like it's livelier and more crowded than it really is, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. The pounding music and clubbie lights add to this effect (yeah, I just made up the word "clubbie", what are you going to do about it?), but it doesn't feel claustrophobic. The place in general has a good energy to it, and that's reflected in both the atmosphere and the people.

Speaking of the people, the crowd is pretty eclectic. You have your standard Santa Monica folk, which consist of 20 something average joes out to drink the work week away and pretty girls in short dresses dancing together. Every now and then a group will stroll in that looks like they got lost on the way to Hollywood: lots of sparkles for the girls, lots of hair gel for the guys. However, as opposed to some of the other locations on Main, you are missing a staple of the Santa Monica / Venice
bar scene: bums and artsy people who look like bums. Neither bums nor artsy people seem to have the desire or the requisite energy to dance, the artsy people are too busy being moody and the bums are too busy being bums. The crowd, therefore, is mostly young, good looking, well dressed people looking to get drunk and dance. If you can't support that, then the terrorists have already won.

The bar in the back is crowded, but you can also flag down a waitress for a drink so it never takes too long. I'm told you can call ahead and get bottle service if you have a large party. They have a huge back room that can accomadate groups of 30, but I don't know if they do bottle service at the smaller tables. A handful of signature cocktails dot the menu, and prices are pretty standard for Main Street. While that does mean overpriced, at least the bartenders here overcompensate by pouring stiff drinks.

Last but not least, like all classy establishments, they have stripper poles. The dance floor is flanked by two platforms that surround floor to ceiling metal poles, and if the presence of random drunk girls who want to try their hand at stripping isn't enough, they even have a pro come out for fifteen minutes at a time and dance for the masses. On Friday she was wearing a leopard print bikini and very much looked like she could beat me up. Her presence is another of the bar's attempts to distance itself from Main Street and feel more like Hollywood or Vegas (or a strip bar), and while it was unnecessary it certainly wasn't unappreciated by the crowd.

Good looking people in a lively atmosphere with stiff drinks and stripper poles? Sounds like a good time to me. I give Main on Main a solid 8 out of 10.

Charlie Eats

The first thing I am going to review is a random, little read blog hosted on this site called "Charlie Eats." Now, while I admire the author's attempt to bring a fresh perspective to the aging and elitist profession of food criticism, I do say he was quite lazy. What happened to all of October? Were you not eating, Charlie? Were you too busy eating to type a little bit every now and then? How about sprinkling some healthy balance into your life? A little food, a little blogging.

Also, you never ever gave anything a bad review. How can you be a critic if you like everything? Who are you, Spongebob? Everyone dislikes something, unless of course you're a chipper sea sponge who lives in Bikini Bottom. Get your act together. You call yourself a critic, I call you a yes man.



I give the blog "Charlie Eats" a 4 out of 10: it had it's moments, but it was less a blog and more a bi-weekly love letter to some random restaurant.