Treadmills

Advantages of running on a treadmill:

1) You know exactly how short of a distance you would be able to run from someone trying to kill you and / or from the police before getting winded and being caught.

2) You can watch TV while running.

Disadvantages:

1) You feel like you're a hamster.



Despite recently emerging photographic evidence, I am not a hamster, and I refuse to be treated like one. I won't even give them a ranking out of ten, I simply declare: Treadmills are bullshit.

Giorgio Baldi's

After a long hard day of sitting on a couch and watching a TV screen, there's nothing that hits the spot more than food. And not just any food will do. No my friends, I am very specific about my desires: I want delicious food. With this in mind, I set out for Giorgio Baldi's restaurant last night in an effort to satisfy my lust for delectable cuisine.

Now, after hearing great things about this establishment for months, I was a bit surprised to pull up and find it to be little more than a tiny cottage just off the PCH -- I expected a grand building perched on the edge of the water. However, given that I have both an X and a Y chromosome, I wasn't too concerned with the decor. However, even if I had been concerned, a man came and shooed me over to my table while saying things I couldn't understand. As a general rule, whenever I'm shooed by someone I can't understand, I assume it's a good sign, so it would've been okay.


For the meal, we had quite a lovely array of foods, and I'll break them down in a semi chronological order. We started with tuna tartar that was pretty good. I'm not going to say it was mind blowing, but it definitely set the proper tone for the rest of the meal. Light, delicious, and easy to share, much like the veal carpaccio we also sampled. Now, both dishes were delicious, but they confused me a little bit. Who ever had the idea to take nice big pieces of meat, slice them razor thin, and serve them as a little appetizer? It seems to me like some crazy rich person was trying to make sure their baby ate better than normal babies, so they prepared these dishes for their infant.


In between our thinly sliced dished, we had a sampling of various raviolis. If you're thinking some sort of derogatory thought about ravioli I need you to stop right now. The asparagus ravioli was fantastic, as was the lobster ravioli. Absolutely wonderful, like fresh morning dew on a puppy's nose. And those were crap compared to the the sweet corn ravioli. I almost passed out, that's how good the sweet corn ravioli was. It was the greatest thing I would ever taste, until I tried the pumpkin ravioli. If these raviolis were women, the asparagus would've been Marilyn Monroe, the lobster was Cleopatra, and the sweet corn was Helen of Troy. Who was the pumpkin? I have no clue. That level of perfection has yet to be attained. Maybe if Helen of Troy was a gourmet chef and she loved watching football, then she would be pumpkin ravioli.


For the main course, I had a Mediterranean sea bass that was absolutely delicious. I also had the joy of trying a dover sole and some lamb shank. After the tour de force that was the ravioli sampler, you would think I could no longer be impressed by anything the waiter brought out, but that simply was not so. Both fish dishes were cooked to perfection, and the lamb was unlike anything I've ever had. Some sort of mint garnish made it stand out, even amongst all the other goodness. Minty lamb shank? The shear fact that someone even thought of that impresses me. Move over Tyra Banks circa 30 pounds ago, I will now have inappropriate dreams about this meal from now on.


You shouldn't be surprised by now when I say the desserts were also fabulous. Everything we tried was good, but the tiramisu and the lemon sorbet stood out the most. It almost seems too good to be true, after the whole fabulous meal, to have just a perfectly sweet, light desert. To be honest, it reminded me of afternoon sex: unexpected, yet incredibly satisfying.

I know I've been prone to giving over the top reviews before, but ladies and gentlemen I kid you not: this was the best meal I've ever had in my life. Go there, now, and see for yourself. A perfect 10 out of 10 for Giorgio Baldi's.

The Foreman Grill

For many months I have let my grilling skills languish as I cursed the inequities of apartment living. Without a balcony or yard of any sort, I was stuck eating microwave dinners. I did have a counter top grill staring me in the face, but myself being descended from a Caveman, I refused to acknowledge any non-flame options. Simply put, I assumed my Foreman Grill, despite how Lean or Mean it claimed to be, was nonetheless unable to satisfy my desire for grilled cuisine. I saved it for making toast, or perhaps crisping an entire sandwich every now and then.
However, after a recent bout with a severe case of I-Need-To-Grill-Something-itis I decided to give the Foreman a shot. I decided well beforehand that I would not pull any punches: I would treat the little guy as if it were an actual grill (except for the part where I cover the grill in flammable materials and light it on fire). The specific grill I used was the Family Size Next Grilleration and with it I set upon trying three unique recipes that I knew for a fact would be delicious -- if I had an actual grill.

Teriyaki Salmon Burgers: This recipe is simple, yet delicious. Go get yourself some Salmon burgers, marinate them for a few hours in teriyaki sauce, and toss them on the grill. Then, when they're halfway done, you throw a pineapple ring on the grill as well. Throw it all on a bun together, toss on whatever garnish you prefer, and sit down for a nice little meal.

Lemon Herb Chicken: Again, a pretty simple concept. Go get yourself a chicken breast, and marinate it in some lemon and herbs. For an even simpler route, just buy whatever marinade you please. Side dishes can be whatever you prefer, nothing else is ending up on the grill so we're going to skip ahead.

Skirt Steak: As for our beef test subject, I went with skirt steak. Again, marinate it in whatever you choose, and toss it on the grill. Feel free to throw some bell peppers or a few tomato slices along the outside of the steak, but remember your first priority is the beef so leave that in the middle.

As far as prep time goes, none of the above recipes takes longer than a few minutes, you just need to remember to throw the marinade on and put the meat in the fridge before you go to work. Stop groaning. You can pause Regis and Kelly for one second to prepare your dinner. They'll still be there when you get back.

Finally, as you may have guessed, many of the menu decisions were made because of the Foreman itself. I don't trust the little guy with a salmon filet, filet mignon, or anything that has the word filet (or any vaguely sounding french word in it) for that matter. Don't get fancy. Emeril isn't shouting "BAM!" while he throws a T-Bone on his Foreman with Family Feud blaring in the background. That's you. And despite the fact that you can't make prime rib on your little electric grill, a skirt steak is a better option than the Cheetos you were going to have for dinner.
All in all, everything turned out pretty damn good. Like any grill, you need to pay close attention to make sure you don't overcook, and the lack of a temperature control makes this even more integral to the success of your meal. The meat dishes were well done but not burnt, and even the fruits and vegetables I tried on the grill turned out juicy and delicious.

Now, Is a salmon burger or a skirt steak the best thing I've ever eaten? No. Could I have made a better piece of meat on a real grill? Probably. Is Joan Rivers a robot? No, she's legally dead but still walking, which makes her a zombie. Despite all of those undeniable facts, the Foreman Grill nonetheless did a pretty damn good job of making me three delicious, different, and all thoroughly satisfying meals. I've give big George's grill an 8 out of 10.

Granola Bars

Think back to your playing days as a 12 year old soccer phenom, and inevitably you will remember the ritualistic eating of the granola bar. It's halftime: get some orange slices, some granola, and you're ready to rock. Since that Quaker started selling his oats, we have been infatuated with the idea of the granola bar as a delicious, healthy snack. While our love for those chewy little guys grew, so too did our options, and now we are lost in a jungle of supposed healthy deliciousness without a map to lead ourselves to freedom. Well, fear not my friends, for I have decided I will evaluate every granola bar I can get my hands on and let you know, once and for all, what is the ultimate combination of both taste and nutrition.


Quaker Chewy Granola Bar, Chocolate Chip: The standard. The classic. But does it still hold up against our newer models? Like most granola bars, it is dry, but tasty. The chocolate and the granola work well together. However, it is a tiny serving that leaves you hungry for more. From a nutrition standpoint, it certainly isn't bad for you, but there isn't a whole lot there.

Kashi Go Lean Crunchy Bar, Chocolate Caramel: A new contender. Is it granola? Technically no. Is it a supposedly healthy snack option in a bar form? Yes. As for taste, it's fine, but as that general blandness that most Kashi products contain; a little like eating cardboard. The texture adds to this feeling. However, not an altogether unpleasant experience. The chocolate coating does add a bit of sweetness, and the bar isn't any dryer than the Quaker one. The texture can be blamed on the nutritional value: this little guy boasts a nice dose of both protein and fiber.

Nature Valley Chewy Trail Mix Bar, Fruit and Nut: A hybrid of sorts. This granola based bar incorporates fruit, nuts, and some sort of coating to give it a more pleasing texture. As the name indicates, it does seem to be some sort of trail mix that has been formed into a bar, grant it a trail mix that has been overrun by granola. Despite the more pleasing mouth feel, the bar itself is still lacking in flavor. The nutrition angle does not present any good reason for this, seeing as the bar is nearly as empty as our Quaker friend.

Clif Bar, Crunchy Peanut Butter: Another non granola based entry, which gives it's a different consistency than our other friends. It appears and tastes like really, really think peanut butter shaped into a bar, however it does not demand to be eaten with a beverage like real peanut butter (or our dry granola bars, for that matter). As far as taste goes, the first bite is great, but as the eating continues the peanut butter gets to be a little much. This is a larger bar, so more calories than our other contenders, but it also has the most protein by far and easily matches our Kashi bar for fiber.

Nutrigrain Cereal Bar, Strawberry: Our final entry is not really granola either, but the Nutrigrain line is popular enough to merit consideration. The fruit filling is the best tasting of all the bars, but as a snack it's pretty tiny. Like the Quaker bar, you may find yourself hungry again before you know you've even finished. Nutritionally it isn't much to speak of either: like the granola based options, not a whole lot of good or bad in the nutrition information.

So what's the verdict? If I'm eating a healthy snack I want to be at least mildly pleased with the taste, but I also want to be full. If I can have all that and get some good nutritional value, I'm sold. Go pick up a Clif Crunchy Peanut Butter Bar and thank me later.

Main on Main

It's generally accepted that if you review something you should have a broad knowledge of the genre it falls in. My qualifications as a food critic, for example, stem from the fact that I have eaten roughly three meals everyday for my entire life. Think about that. That pretty much makes me an expert on what tastes good and what doesn't. Now, while I may not have been visiting bars my whole life, I do feel like the frequency with which I have done so in the past few years qualifies me as an expert nonetheless. I visited another bar this past weekend, Main on Main, and I'm here to let you know what I thought.

Main on Main is, not surprisingly, located on Main Street in Santa Monica. The small, discreet entrance is tucked away next to O'Brien's and is usually hidden by the large crowd of smokers gathering outside that particular establishment, but if you follow the pounding dance music you should be able to find it. From what I can gather the line is never too long, but do consider that there is a cover on the weekends, $5 to $10 depending on when you get there.

The place is larger than it seems once you get inside. The act of having to wade through the dance floor right away to get to the bar or a table makes you feel like it's livelier and more crowded than it really is, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. The pounding music and clubbie lights add to this effect (yeah, I just made up the word "clubbie", what are you going to do about it?), but it doesn't feel claustrophobic. The place in general has a good energy to it, and that's reflected in both the atmosphere and the people.

Speaking of the people, the crowd is pretty eclectic. You have your standard Santa Monica folk, which consist of 20 something average joes out to drink the work week away and pretty girls in short dresses dancing together. Every now and then a group will stroll in that looks like they got lost on the way to Hollywood: lots of sparkles for the girls, lots of hair gel for the guys. However, as opposed to some of the other locations on Main, you are missing a staple of the Santa Monica / Venice
bar scene: bums and artsy people who look like bums. Neither bums nor artsy people seem to have the desire or the requisite energy to dance, the artsy people are too busy being moody and the bums are too busy being bums. The crowd, therefore, is mostly young, good looking, well dressed people looking to get drunk and dance. If you can't support that, then the terrorists have already won.

The bar in the back is crowded, but you can also flag down a waitress for a drink so it never takes too long. I'm told you can call ahead and get bottle service if you have a large party. They have a huge back room that can accomadate groups of 30, but I don't know if they do bottle service at the smaller tables. A handful of signature cocktails dot the menu, and prices are pretty standard for Main Street. While that does mean overpriced, at least the bartenders here overcompensate by pouring stiff drinks.

Last but not least, like all classy establishments, they have stripper poles. The dance floor is flanked by two platforms that surround floor to ceiling metal poles, and if the presence of random drunk girls who want to try their hand at stripping isn't enough, they even have a pro come out for fifteen minutes at a time and dance for the masses. On Friday she was wearing a leopard print bikini and very much looked like she could beat me up. Her presence is another of the bar's attempts to distance itself from Main Street and feel more like Hollywood or Vegas (or a strip bar), and while it was unnecessary it certainly wasn't unappreciated by the crowd.

Good looking people in a lively atmosphere with stiff drinks and stripper poles? Sounds like a good time to me. I give Main on Main a solid 8 out of 10.

Charlie Eats

The first thing I am going to review is a random, little read blog hosted on this site called "Charlie Eats." Now, while I admire the author's attempt to bring a fresh perspective to the aging and elitist profession of food criticism, I do say he was quite lazy. What happened to all of October? Were you not eating, Charlie? Were you too busy eating to type a little bit every now and then? How about sprinkling some healthy balance into your life? A little food, a little blogging.

Also, you never ever gave anything a bad review. How can you be a critic if you like everything? Who are you, Spongebob? Everyone dislikes something, unless of course you're a chipper sea sponge who lives in Bikini Bottom. Get your act together. You call yourself a critic, I call you a yes man.



I give the blog "Charlie Eats" a 4 out of 10: it had it's moments, but it was less a blog and more a bi-weekly love letter to some random restaurant.